The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God! — Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Loss: We All Get to Experience it
We all experience loss and grief at some point or another in life. It can be related to our own illness/mortality or the illness/mortality of someone we know. It can also be related to the loss of things like jobs or material possessions.
What we go through
In 1969 a Swiss psychologist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross identified 5 stages of grief that people can experience. These stages are general perspectives and no two people are guaranteed to experience grief in the same way. Grief is a unique experience. The most important thing is to try to be aware of what you are experiencing and understand that what you are experiencing is normal.
Denial — Believing or behaving as if nothing has really happened. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation.
Anger — Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
Bargaining — Deals that we attempt to make related to the loss. We constantly make those “If only…” or “What if…” We try to bargain ways to get our lives returned to a place before we experienced loss; we want our loved one to come back. We want to go back in time. Guilt also comes here because we are constantly thinking about the “if onlys” and this may cause us to blame ourselves and focus on what we “think” we could have done differently.
Depression — Emptiness, hopeless, sadness, loss, tears, fatigue. This depressive stage can feel as though it will last forever. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss.
Acceptance — Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.
5 TIPS TO HELP: It’s normal. You are not the first to experience it and you will not be the last. You are not alone. This too shall pass.
- Give yourself time and SPACE to grieve. Understand that it is natural. Give time and space for feeling the emotions that arise in your process of grieving. Anger, sadness, pain, but the positive memories as well. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go.
- Take care of yourself. Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
- Look for the good and the positive around you. Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
- Do something for others. Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
- Join a support group. Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.
